john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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