it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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