god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
