i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize