There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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