Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
