I can't breathe out the right side of my face
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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