If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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