What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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