Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Randomize
