Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Sober January is a disaster.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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