If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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