We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
