I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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