How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
