i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
