you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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