Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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