You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
