i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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