he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
