dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
