Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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