Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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