I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
