Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
