Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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