My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
