Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
