It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize