When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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