Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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