He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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