I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
