drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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