I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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