my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
MIDGETS
????
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize