The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
