Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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