He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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