I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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