words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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