I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
