I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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