Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
