I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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