I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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