I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
