I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
