don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
