i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize