I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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