God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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