party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
