I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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