You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
