You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
