dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
