Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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