he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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