Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just had sex bonerless
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
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