he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
