By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
