My liver just broke up with me...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
