I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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