Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
