Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What changed your mind?
Being sober
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
