Tell her she can't have a vagina
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
