Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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