i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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